I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
