the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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