You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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