As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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