my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
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