Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you didnt know i had herpes?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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