I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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