Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
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So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
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all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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