she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
