So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
