I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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