Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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