U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
