Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
