Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
