When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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