mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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