he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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