So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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