Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Still dying that you shit outside
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
