No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
