Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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