I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
