So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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