i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
