It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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