people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
