grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just threw up on my dentist
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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