The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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