You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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