O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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