I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
