I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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