Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
