I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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