Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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