Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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