Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
