38 yer olds are good kisserssss
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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