This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
