My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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