don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Randomize
