maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize