Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
