First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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