im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
