It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize