when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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