i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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