i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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