I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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