There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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