I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize