i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
