When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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