Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
