Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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