Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
