I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
