hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
