On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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