apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
